[Closed] If anyone is struggling- Please speak out

Hora filling the gaping hole left in the agony aunt world by the demise of Claire Rayner?

your intentions are admirable but like plumbing and the electrics, always seek professional advice.

[url= http://www.samaritans.org/ ]http://www.samaritans.org/[/url]

Samaritans, if you had a creeping alcohol issue would you call the AA until it was too late? (Thats more a question I'm posing than a statement/reply)

I'm stuck in a box!

I have used STW during a few 'dark times' and it is a good half way house between talking to no-one and talking to someone who knows what they are talking about.

Probably not much use when the pills are poured in a pile in front of you but might just pull you back from pouring out the pills to begin with.

Be aware of the unforeseen consequences though, I have ended up as friends with people like Fred/Rudeboy through this approach. I sometimes wonder if the pills were a better option 😉

That's a really touching post hora. Good on ya.

I am in South London for a couple of days, can't get any more depressing than that!

More seriously I do think this is commendable.

Thankyou Hora for posting this.

Thanks hora, good idea. I have had so much support from here when low, it would be great to be able to give some back.

if anyone is struggling, needs anyone to talk to there are many many people on here who would listen

Too right. C'mon folks, professional advice fair enough but I reckon sometimes it's just good to know that there is someone out there who understands . . . just listen . . .

Good on ya Hora!

A lot of people on here can be argumentative arses, but when people have posted for help or advise on a more serious issue then these people and others have shown what kind, helpful and compassionate individuals they are.
Maybe the help and personal experience of certain situations posted on here could spur people on to seek professional help? If so then that can't be a bad thing.

There have been a few suggestions on Jahwomble's thread about donations.
I'm not sure what his family and friends think about it, or the rest of you, but I would like to donate to an organisation or charity which offers support to all sufferers of depression and mental illness or suicide victims. This includes support for family and friends as well as the person with the condition or problem.

If other people would rather do their own thing, that's fine, but if we are doing something "collective" maybe we could decide what the best thing is, or the best place for a donation to go? Going forward with a positive aim and all that.

What do other STWs think?

I was going to type something trite and thought better of it with rememberance of Jahwomble and his family but what I would like to add is: It's a very nice gesture but be careful, the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions.
(aimed at the original sentiment of this thread, not anybody inparticular)

Charity ride?

Today, on this day, the twenty eighth of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand and ten. I stand here...TOUCHED BY HORA.

I feel moist inside.

Nah, fair dues mate.

What WCA said too. Sometimes, one can see that STW is a place where someone who might struggle to talk face to face in the first place, can get things off his or her chest. STW is nothing but supportive when people genuinely need it.

TOUCHED BY HORA.

I feel moist inside.

Now normally I would insert something very rude.....

Not today though. Kudos Hora.

Good idea, hora. I would say that often it is enough just to talk things out.

However, if you find that you're are often depressed when there is nothing particularly bad going on in you're life or if you find yourself starting to think how nice it would be to be free from the responsibility of living then I would seek professional help as soon as possible.

mr smith : samaritains are a help yes... but sometimes some people feel they cant ring them either for help.... if you realy trust a friend then do ask for help in those darkest moments.... it happened to me on another forum and the way i came across to a certain person...they imediately knew how i was feeling so many helpful chats later helped me see the world in a different light from the once darkness that i knew...
so yeah friendscan be very helpful in times of need.... if you feel you cant talk to the professionals... 😉

TOTALLY agree. I mean the start. If there is anything anyone you can just bang out your frustrations to and get another opinion/thought. To put something potentially into perspective. I've been soo stressed over something that I've blown it out of proportion and its then knocked onto something else.

On a personal note this is why I like STW. I re-found this place about 6 months ago when my marriage fell apart and although I've always been a bit of a lurker and haven't posted a great deal you've all kept me company during my meal for one, this starting over is a tough gig.
Cheers Hora.

Does this mean speaking out on STW will no longer involve a lot of piss taking?

Nice one Mark - this place is very supportive once you can see past the p-taking and ribbing.
I've made some good friends through here, and had a lot of advice from some genuinely charitable people. I've also met Hora* 😥

*who is incidentally hosting a group support session* this evening in Manchester.

*STW drinks

I'm not hosting it! I'm only going to be there!! Too much pressure 'why this pub'? 'The route to this pub is shit' 'Why stop here'?

Goon on ya Hora. Sometimes this place gives me the impression that there are lot of muppets on here. Things like this remind you its all just banter at the end of the day and were all just on big happy family!

On the collection front Does anyone know the famiies situation? A few people mentioned he had a young family. The charity route is a realy good option but to be honest if they are struggling financially a pot of money could take away some very unwanted pressure at this time. I mean the siuation is horrific but the prospect of not being able to pay a mortgage or realising Xmas is only 8 weeks away is a pressure they clearly don't need at the moment. Supporting charities is someones name is a good thing but direct support for there family might be even more helpful.

A very admirable post hora 🙂

Thank you for taking the time to write it.

I'm not hosting it! I'm only going to be there!! Too much pressure 'why this pub'? 'The route to this pub is shit' 'Why stop here'?

you forgot "you cut me out of the video when i did a boom gnarly trip to the bar for scampi fries"

Hmmmm,

Whilst well intentioned I would also urge caution. Talking to mates is good - it can help.

But if people are feeling very negative then it is more professional help that is needed.

A friend recently took their own life and, in hindsight, perhaps it was possible to piece together enough bits of information to see the build up. But hindsight is wonderful, and, in honesty, there was no way anyone could have seen where this was heading.

A professional might have.

It is admirable what you have done Hora. But if you (the collective you) ever feel that someone may be heading too far into darkness do try and engage proper help.

Hora..... Good on you for an honest op. Like others comment, this is a good place and it does help to level your head sometimes on here. Helmet opinions anybody.......

whoa, scampi fries!

you could av let me know.

read the OCD thread again, then consider if this is the place to ask for help.....

Off-forum though. Onforum you temper what you say (personalwise) as you don't want any other 'STW'er to think your online 'character' is anything but better than the others?

is offering to help people off-line not suggesting that you're better than the others?

i get the sentiment of the OP, and it's admirable and i'm sure genuine, but I know from personal experience that the Black Dog can't be trained with a pat on the head and a well meaning biscuit

Its a minefield but one can be put off by posting on a public forum. An admission of 'weakness'? Which it shouldn't be.

Amazing what people can discuss on here and good when STW contact turns into "real life" meets/purchases/whatever.

Despite the pi55 ripping, there are some good folk on here.

I imagine we've all had some unique experiences, some pretty dreadful, that can be used to try and others help on various subjects (ahem - not just cars...;-) ) outside just "what tyres to buy" and "what helmet for 5xxx extreme death riding."

Ah-ha, i see it now.
you sharing the everyday minutiae of your bumbling existence and seemingly omnipresent mini life-crises on a cycling forum has put you in a position to advise and help others with theirs.

i should have seen the correlation straight away. sorry.

(Mark i think you should give them Jason's number instead of offering them your advise)

How about a ride round one of Jahwomble's favourtie trails? Ideally a trail centre, then nobody needs to lead it, just have a razz round, give whatever you feel like giving...

Gary he'd just shout down the phone at them.

I wouldn't give any advice. Jeesus, they'd end up with a bike a week and driving 50miles to collect their weekly curry takeaway..

Well done for speaking up mate.

However, my suspicion is that many people in very dark places* tend to think that no-one wants to listen to them; it won't do any good; or that any conversation will just reinforce either their own worthlessness or the futility of life.

*Metaphorically - I don't mean miners, potholers etc.

t the Black Dog can't be trained with a pat on the head and a well meaning biscuit

Extremely well put.

Nice one Hora.

When i was at my lowest and everyone i tried to talk to pretty much said the same thing, i was left with the opinion the i just needed to MTFU.

Even the doctors and pros seemed to suggest that i get a grip and just through meds at me.

The problem i experience whilst suffering the extreme lows, was that any negative points of view, even one in ten positives, they would stand out more than anything good.

Unfortunately on here, to many are quick to pass judgement even with good intent. From a depressives point of view, that can expose the weakness they have that make them feel low.

Suffers need to feel good about themselves and experience a build up of self esteem, that will help them vent and express themselves properly and clearly. Just a few negative or badly constructed opinions may have a bad affect.

We can hide our true emotions on here easily, how many thought i was all happy and joyful with life on the run up to my own attempt to end it all, and eventual disappearance?

For Hora advice and suggestion to truely help, we need to avoid the arguements, such as the ones seen on surrounded by zulu's thread, TJ and SFB petty squabbling and conflicting and damaging opinions(for an example)

In some cases an open discussion will help tremendously, for other deep dark matters, it can be less helpful..

So please for anyone who replies to a 'speak out' thread on here, consider the two mind sets that could be reading your valued thoughts and before pressing 'send post' read it as the person for who it is intended for.

Sorry to get all outspoken.

I have contacted forum members privately when I've seen symptoms of distress, as I have ample experience of despair, though in one case my attempt was rejected outright 🙁 And since the forum has diagnosed me as an autistic sociopath perhaps my interventions are unhelpful anyway...

Even the doctors and pros seemed to suggest that i get a grip and just through meds at me.

it's pointless saying "get a grip" without going into how this can be achieved

TJ and SFB petty squabbling and conflicting and damaging opinions(for an example)

was it ? He claimed I was trivialising depression and that my own experiences were irrelevant, and I felt he was pandering to dependency. There is no one, right answer, and I think we can allow that people are selective in what they take from what they read

🙄

Simon, just for once don't turn this thread round on to you.

Anyway, my intention is its better to have any form to turn to. Its there. It doesn't take long to respond/listen and reply to another likeminded person.

If anything it also helps oneself as it can put your own situation in perspective which can give an equal trade-off?

Yes its a minefield but offering nothing and doing nothing is far worse.

[url= http://www.samaritans.org/ ]Samaritans [/url]

Please call us. Or better still we're always looking for listeners especially night owls, if you think you could help, get in contact with your local branch

*waves*

I'm struggling at the min with anxiety/ibs, been off sick the last few days with it....I'm still positive i'll beat it in the long run, just so annoying that my brain is making me feel like this.

Anyways just got back from the Dr's with some new tablets so hoping they'll help and i'll be back at work as soon as i can

Good post sharki. ( the first one not so much the rolling eyes:) )

Simon, I think it goes to show how complex these issues are. Unfortunately there is not one cure which suits all. Any problems and or resolutions you may have had may not necessarily help anyone else. People trained within the field will have a wider scope with which they can offer help and advice.
I'm sure you can offer friendship, help or advice to people who experience problems you may have. However train people can have a lot more experience will a lot more variations of the illness than we our own experiences.

It's when someone goes quiet that trouble is ahead.

Having "survived" massive personal loss I can confidently say that the best thing to do is talk talk talk then talk some more. Depression/grief is like building a wall to stop a fast flowing river - very frustrating, seemingly pointless and needs constant hard work but if you falter, you'll get washed away.

Another one that helped was that you are on a tightrope (with grief/depression). At first the drop (to depression) seem massive and obvious so you are all too aware of not "falling off" As time passes the drop appears much smaller (as the grief lessons) but you still need to be on full alert because that small drop will still "kill" you if you fall off it. Be aware of it at all times.

Me and wife made that those when we lost a little one - it helped us a lot.

I know we're not talking about grief here but similar ideas can apply to depression. Our goal was to avoid losing another one of us (me or wife) to depression. Bad enough losing a baby. Even worse to lose another one of us.

Might seem slightly mental to some here though!

Good thread Hora.
I sense you are feeling, like me, helpless that Jahwomble died, and there's nothing that any of us did, or could have done to help him.

Totally agree with what sharki posted.

As for seeking professional help? Hmmm...my various experiences have been very poor and I won't seek help from "health professionals" again. But that's just me, and I know of many people who have been greatly helped.

I personally could never start a thread if I was particularly down, as I'm way too sensitive and struggle to handle judgements on my "good" days.

There are so many different levels of depression/mental illness and as many different ways of finding help.

On a trivial basis some good old laugh out loud threads on STW are what's needed on a daily basis. I have spent ages laughing at binners OCD thread and then clicked on Jaywomble's sticky. It's been one of those strangely memorable weeks.

Hope the new tablets work Houns.

I know that when needed this place can offer more than anybody could imagine. When my Dad was fighting to stay alive and I wasn't coping with the situation too well the amount and quality of support was immense. Others have experienced it too.
Some of us will benefit from writing about their situation here, some won't. If even one person does, Mark's idea is grand.
BTW I suggest some of the more self-centred individuals here read Sharki's post. He knows.

Mat, i see no reason to not include grief as a reason to come here or anywhere to talk about it, share and seek a little wisdom that may help us.

I wish i spoke more about my problems and when i lost a baby, i barely spoke about it to anyone, even the wife at the time...It was as i said, my way of dealing with it, in truth, i needed to talk talk talk talk....

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time Houns, you know where I am if you want a chat.

Having "survived" massive personal loss I can confidently say that the best thing to do is talk talk talk then talk some more

Sometimes it is, but for some people perhaps not. When a person is depressed, they might not be capable of talking about it in any useful way. Depression in some people can distort inter-personal relationships and reactions very badly.

Words cannot describe how I felt on reading that Jahwomble had taken his life.

If there was any way that any of us could have helped him, I know there would have been a queue of people from here jumping straight in.

Hora - when I broke down and started crying, you first slapped me acroos the face and told me to stop whining. Then you took advantage of my fragile mental state do do unspeakable things to me involving flash grenades. I've never been the same since

And you then took me for a drink to console me. Then said you'd forgotten your wallet when we got to the bar

Thanks FC and MrsF. And likewise I'm here any time for you

Sometimes it is, but for some people perhaps not. When a person is depressed, they might not be capable of talking about it in any useful way. Depression in some people can distort inter-personal relationships and reactions very badly.

True enough but they really must talk even if it seems impossible. A mate recently took the same route as Jah - he was bi-polar with the most serious "downs" imaginable. We (mates) all wished we'd talked to him more - none of us saw it coming apart from his poor girlfriend. Not saying talking solves everything but it usually helps.

Sharki - it's a tough one isn't it? A massive blow. We had a period of thinking "what's the point of anything?" but luckily got out of it. Sorry you had a similar experience though. We put it down to sheer bad luck and slightly consoled ourselves in the fact that others have much much worse "luck" and still survive.

For all the doubters.I have had a recent bout of depression and was convinced there was only one course of action.I was stopped from carrying this out,a few of the more frequent folks on here know the incident I am talking about.That was the clincher to deal with an illness I had been suffering from for a long time,and while I would always suggest professional help;The support,offers of riding buddies,etc I got from here was staggering.People I had knocked heads with for years were giving me really good advice and insight,sharing experience,It made me realise that I was not alone.For me? No doubt STW was hugely important.

Good on you Hora.

So glad you are on the mend duckman.
Have wondered from time to time over the last few months how you're doing.

Then said you'd forgotten your wallet when we got to the bar

a trait I fear will be repeated this evening. See you in a bit folks.

Yeah, nice one Hora.

+10 karma points for thou.

There sure are plenty of good-minded folk on here willing to either lend an ear or support in some other way. There are also a few numpties too.

FTR, I spent a couple of years coaching back in 05-08. Not all dark/negative stuff - quite often people who just needed a helping hand to improve or change something (family stuff, relationship, career, personal, health, etc). Strangely (or not), 90% were women - and IIR most were housewives 😆

The upshot is that if you are one such person (you don't have to be a housewife!) and just want an ear to bend, or someone to boomerang off, then feel free to email me (in profile). I'm absolutely flat out with work ATM, but will still do my best to respond ASA reasonably P.

SM

And you then took me for a drink to console me. Then said you'd forgotten your wallet when we got to the bar

Its elusive. Normally because its bloody empty! Plus its a good way of overdrinking something I am actively trying to avoid after over-drinking for too many years when I was younger. 🙁

I've had some experience of depression... my father comitted suicide when I was 5... my mother has suffered clinical depression for as long as I've known her and consequently I battled my own demons my whole life.. surviving a suicide attempt myself when I was 19 (you'd think jumping off a cliff would do the trick... it's not foolproof.. pride comes before a fall and all that I guess)..

I have found that company has usually seen me through though.. even bad company has helped me survive at times..

good company.. from genuinely good people.. people without judgement and with a great sense of humour.. and the ability to make me laugh at myself has proved to be most therapeutic..
I've had help from trained professionals.. drug peddling hedgewitches.. manic depressives and damning aggressives.. tough guys.. hippies.. chavs.. chaucer and churchgoers.. workaholics and alcofrolics (wierdly.. and against medical advice a couple of years under the wing of the town drunk did me the most good)

time is a great healer and you never know what tomorrow will bring are a couple of helpful truisms along with laughter being the best medicine.. a little bit of what you like won't hurt you.. don't judge a man til you have walked a mile in his shoes.. and don't be too hard on yourself are good ideals.. cliches don't become cliches by accident..

If chatting to folk on here helps someone then good.. and if it leads to a couple of pints and a ramble over the hills even better.. don't let loneliness add to your problems..

EDIT: can I just add that the news of Jahwomble was like a kick in the guts.. a real heartwrenching moment.. I enjoyed his posts on here an recognised a few of his issues when he felt the need to bring them up.. a momentously sad event.. I hope you've found peace now fella.

*puts aside tazzy persona for a minute*

a couple of months ago when I was having a very bad time, hora contacted me off forum on my email. Just a brief "are you ok ?" from a stranger made actually feel that my existence had some, albeit small value.

all I can say is good on ya mate, you've got a heart of gold.

xxx

As a manic depressive who suffers from axiety attacks I know all to well that problems can snowball into bigger things. Hora is suggesting that maybe mentioning them before they get to the Samaritans stage can help people and I 100% agree. Professional advice helps yes, but so does friendly advice. I want to thank Hora for posting this and see it as a stepping stone away from the stigma that mental health issues are taboo. Even if your just having a shit day it's good to talk.

Just for the record - I’m more then happy for people on here to DM me if they feel that they need to have a conversation about issues that may trouble them. I am more then willing to provide any help I can based upon my personal and professional experience in dealing with mental health issues.
That said unless you are very local to me that is likely that such help will be mainly ‘sign posting’ and may well involve the suggestion to speak with your GP and accept medication. This is not because I feel that are ‘the’ answer but because they have a place in the therapeutic mix
Thanks for the tread Hora – I do think one of the strength of this forum is the depth and a breadth of knowledge contained within it and despite the trolling and squabbling is fundamentally a caring place

I'd also offer to help but I doubt anyone would find me helpful!

I wasnt going to respond to this thread, not because I feel it is unhelpful, etc, but because I didnt want to raise issues that one or two members of the forum may have felt difficult to discuss. However, seeing that some of those people have already posted, I feel less awkward in adding my opinions. While there is at times a large amount of p**s taking between forum members, which occasionally breaks down into bullying, there is also a great deal of support and comfort to be gained, which for whatever reason is missing in many of our lives at some point. I feel I have made some friends on here, albeit in a sitting behind a keyboard sort of way, but friends all the same. Thanks for posting hora, and as ever, my e-mails in my profile. 😉

Agree with BM. The forum is a good caring decent place, which is why we keep coming back isn't it?

I would [i]always[/i] advocate seeking professional help - although I accept that people will have mixed experiences with available services. That said, Hora is bang on: when you're feeling down, a place like this can be worth its weight in, er, internet gold. IMO, depression becomes frightening when you are unable to pull out of a self-fulfilling spiral. For me, at least, a key element of 'happiness' (or even just contentment) is the feeling of possibility... of something just over the horizon, or just around the corner. It's a very different mental trajectory from feeling like there's nowhere to go, or nobody to turn to. The absurdities and general silliness of STW has, on a few occasions, kept my sails full.

Jusy wanted to add that when I posted about feeling bad, the emails I got from pepole really made a difference to me.

A great post Hora well done you!!

"The Jahwomble Annual STW Charity Pootle" could be an idea and give me something to get my mojo back as long as it was as much about meeting up for a beer as a ride in his honour

Nice one, Hora (although I suspect this is an attempt by him to try and wriggle out of a good kicking and a Chinese Burn at the pub tonight). 🙂

Be aware of the unforeseen consequences though, I have ended up as friends with people like Fred/Rudeboy through this approach. I sometimes wonder if the pills were a better option

[img] [/img]

Duckman! Still with us! 😀

WCA's post made me laugh out loud, sorry Elfin.
Meeting you is an overall good experience, but it has left it's scars tbh. 😉

Having a chat with someone when you are down is always a good idea, it can stop it getting worse and worse. Talking with like minded folk who can share their experiences can help you remember you are not alone and others have been through similar things fine.

Offering to help is [i]never[/i] a bad thing.

Meeting you is an overall good experience, but it has left it's scars tbh.

🙁

How is your wife?

Can I have her bike please?

Talking with like minded folk

let's hope I never need forum help then 🙂

When i 'hit the wall' two yrs ago (after the initial crash a yr before that) people on here helped me keep a grip.
Whilst i did find myself with - quite literally - a rope in my hand & the realisation that i needed help & fast, the help from STW was invaluable.
OK, it can't replace the professionals but when you need a conversation at a pace that forces you to really consider what is written (rather than creating your answer in your head rather than listening).

I came close to doing something final, many things helped & STW was one of them.

Well done Hora 🙂

in my experience as a lifelong depressive just having connections is vital, just to talk about experiences. In the worst of times you become dead to life, and just exist in a physical sense. You don't need 'understanding' or 'help' as such, just lots of time by those you can connect to, just to listen. To keep you connected with life.
I think it's extremely difficult for those who haven't experienced depression to understand, but the mistake is they feel obliged to try and understand somehow. But just listening is fine. Certainly with me.
Of course the major issue with depression is you withdraw gradually from the very connections that may help you get through it. Patience (lots of), and gentle persistence by the listener is required, not many can manage it.

Personally professional help comes in at a last resort. I have a consultant, and a nurse who visits regularly, but it's a kind of cold clinical connection. It isn't the connection you will get from genuine friendship or just a companion who listens. My professional care is great at simply keeping me alive, but the few people who take the time to listen are those who are most important, and hardest to find.

A very nice thought Hora, and well done that man, since joining a few years ago i have been really surprised at how people help each other, there is the joking and funny bits, then all of a suden somebody needs advice or help and people rally round.

All i can offer is non judgemental listening, and if youre close enough a hug or arm on the shoulder,sometimes thats all thats needed.

Dont suffer in silence,its not worth it.