[Closed] Moving on after 5 years (relationship content)...

Sounds very rational and cold hearted, but if that's what you want then you decide.

I tried to do the moving on without the dumping first at some point and I think that was a bad decision so in many ways you have done the decent thing. The only caveat is that you have to be certain that it is what you want.

Good luck.

I think sometimes people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons (been there, etc). Ultimately, you've only got one life.

you are correct about the cold hearted part but pain is best handled in one big hit rather than protracting the inevitable.

It might not be the best decision from her point of view but I hope she will see why i have done what I have given enough time.

I just hope she stops blaming herself and tries to move on (though I know this is often easier said than done)

Go for it!!
I stayed in a relationship for the sake of it over 15 years ago now and deeply regret wasting my opportunities for supposed love.

If your meant to be together your paths will cross in the future.

Just try and be amicable about everything it will make any financial issues a lot easier.

As regards to flat etc - if you're off travelling what do you need?

All the best and talk to her sooner rather than later.

I realise I am being incredibly selfish about this

you cannot realistically predicate your life on another person's expectations. If you try the result will be worse.

no silly remarks please and no trying to talk me out of leaving her as I have made my selfish mind up and trying to keep things simple

I was married to the most incredible, beautiful girl I had/have ever met

However for reasons know only to her she started telling me what I could and couldn't do.

I thought I'd be better off and happier on my own.

It was very cold hearted on reflection, however, I have never regretted my decision

Plum

I have sent her a text telling her she should call me if she feels she needs to and informed her that I am away from the flat for the next three nights for work purposes. I imagine she might come back in this time to collect a few things.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. If you're not happy then why stay in the relationship.

You don't have children and are both adults. People change and grow apart. If you were to stay in a relationship for the sake of the other party then surely you would just end up resenting her. Best to move on now before you commit yourself financially to a mortgage.

I divorced 10 years ago - my decision based on my own selfish reasons.
We have a son together so it was a bit different but I have never, ever regretted it for a single second despite it costing me in the region of £100k. My son is now old enough to understand and it was the best decision I ever made.

Plum that's more than I've ever heard you say about the matter before! Now it starts to make sense!

One life. Live it.

So we can only tell you that you have done the right thing then?

not at all, you can tell me that I am doing the wrong thing if you want but it won't change my mind on this as since breaking the news I feel a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders.

I accept that some people will think I am being a heartless bastard as I know I am but I cannot change the way I feel.

I think you need to be matter of fact about belongings and the flat etc.

You've made a logical decision so you have to not be drawn into an emotional discussion. If the flat is owned or mortaged I suppose you have to give the option of buying you out or you sell and split the proceeds.

What's yours is yours what's hers is hers and the stuff in the middle should be split equally based on value.

As others have said, it's not selfish to have the courage to end a relationship that's not right and won't be right.

I used to climb a lot myself and I found it unreal the number of relationships that had failed amongst climbers, mostly due to the incompatability of trying to settle down/raise a family and to take a high risk activity to another level, whether that was on partner wishing to guide, or to just work on upping their grade.

Good luck, you maybe didn't realise you were carrying a burden - but as you say, a weight has been lifted and, sad as it makes you feel, you already know you've done the right thing.

edit: 'some people' may well think you're heartless, but it's Your life!

if the flat is owned or mortaged I suppose you have to give the option of buying you out or you sell and split the proceeds.

sorry, I didn't explain this bit. The flat is rented and we have 5 months left on the Short hold Tenancy agreement and I have agreed to sort everything out re this (begging to the landlady to release us early etc).

...due to the incompatability of trying to settle down/raise a family and to take a high risk activity to another level,

This is another reason for the split, I can't go away for months on end with not contact and have her under stress worrying if I am still alive. I don't intend on taking undue risks but I know that accidents do happen.

Hillclimber, I'm going through this from the other side of the relationship at the moment. My fiancee walked out on me 6 weeks ago, we were supposed to be getting married on the 4th of December.

She told me that she wasn't happy, and hadn't been for a few months, and that although she loved me very much it felt as though we were merely existing together. I was completely heartbroken at first as I could only see the good things in our relationship, I have now gained a bit of perspective into things, and can see that we had drifted apart and did have differing long term goals in life.

I still miss her every day, but understand that we wouldn't have had a happy marriage.

You can't stay with someone if you're really not happy as in the long term you will begin to resent them and feel trapped in the situation.

been there done that. And your right, it is selfish, but you and only you, no yourself the best, and if it aint right it aint right.

so well done pal, it takes a brave man to leave a relationship for the reasons youve given. so bravo.

just make sure you dont waste this new found freedom on the next blonde that comes along.

just make sure you dont waste this new found freedom on the next blonde that comes along.

I won't, besides, i prefer brunettes.

thanks for the support. 🙂

I won't, besides, i prefer brunettes.

See, I knew you were a sensible chap.

one life, live it
more selfish to carry on with the relationship than to do what you have done, i applaud you chap and good luck with the mountaineering dreams

As hard and emotional this is, I know its the right decision and hope someday she will forgive me so we can still be friends.

It's not selfish, it's sensible.

She needs to realise that it's not her also. Sometimes people just aren't right, it's not about what you each do.

If you ARE right for each other and someone does things wrong, then you end up forgiving each other and getting closer again.

If you AREN'T right, then no matter what each of you does it's never going to work.

She needs to realise that it's not her also. Sometimes people just aren't right, it's not about what you each do.

If you ARE right for each other and someone does things wrong, then you end up forgiving each other and getting closer again.

If you AREN'T right, then no matter what each of you does it's never going to work.

all true words and my justification for the decision but doesn't quell the overwhelming guilt that she might be blaming herself but I suppose I cannot help that!

I was going to protest and argue when my last ex called me a complete b*stard.. but I decided to let her think that.

I suppose you got to do what you think is right but I am curious. In all honesty, are you really that good that you must commit 100% to make any worthwhile improvement. I knew/know people climbing 8c/8c+ who have a family and a full time job.

I'm not talking about giving up everything I have loved for 5 years for the ability to climb 8a. I want to pursue a career in mountain leading and teaching climbing.

The relationship itself was going nowhere in my eyes and I want to travel some more, Climb in more obscure places which she wouldn't want to do as she was completely averse to heights and the sort of environments I want to explore.

Only you know the exact circumstances of course, but I applaud you for having the courage to step outside of a comfortable place in that way.

Well done OP but do not go back to dally and I'd reckon temper any reply by text etc to her. She needs to get her head clear of the guidelines etc.

It takes a brave man to finish a relationship that isn't quite right. Most men will accept its ok to carry on.

I walked away from my ex. Hardest thing I did and I still miss her (as she was then, not what she was becoming/became).

no way is your decision a selfish one... but to stay would be cowardly..

there are far too many people in this world struggling on in mis-matched partnerships for desperate reasons.. completely unaware of how a loving relationship really functions..

the old cliche about love conquering all really is true..

grim determination and a sense of duty will do the same job... but only half as well and extraordinarily uninspiringly..

run to the hills.. set the girl free to find someone more suitable.. she'll thank you one day

no way is your decision a selfish one... but to stay would be cowardly..

I have been a coward for not standing up to my feelings for a while. She even said I was a coward and I agreed. but no more. I have been hiding it very well, she was shocked as she thought there was nothing wrong.

I spoke to her last night and we agreed not to have any contact for a while until I have had time to think over things and for her to grieve. I am busy at work and I have been hiding it from my colleagues but no doubt I will have to have some time off soon.

Hora, you are not wrong - this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with (excluding my father's untimely death) but I have realised that I feel too young to settle down with a mortgage and a wife and needs must

You are more of a man that you know yet highclimber.

Hold your head high Sir 🙂

I like to drink with people of your calibre.

My circumstances were a little different, but I was in a 4 year or so relationship and I finally reached the point where I had to call it a day...

I cannot describe to you how hard that was and how it made me feel....even though at the time it was the right decision....(and this is the bit that is different)....

I have always regretted leaving, but at the time it was the right thing to do, as it was destroying my partner and I could not stand by and watch it, therefore thought she would be better off without me...

But to walk away takes courage, strength, guts whatever you want to call it... good luck to you.

Yes. I remember one instance of my ex running down the road and jumping on my back. How it made me feel like an utter **** and how much I still felt for her. I hope she is happy now.

I ain't remained friends with any of my exes, for a reason. And i broke up from a few of them on good terms.
Keep away from 'em.

To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all.

That cruel and bitter ache of tender love. The feeling of loss and regret. It almost drives you to sweet and deep thoughtful poetry.

You are being honest with yourself and her. You have simply decided what you want and it isn't her. Just be as kind as you can. And good luck.

Highclimber, where d'you live?

Grooming already, Mol?

Oh hang on. I was talking to my work colleague this morning that ideally she (IMO) should meet someone who is circa early 30's, into climbing/cycling with no baggage etc and lives in Manchester..

[url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/girls-how-to-help-a-friend-who-has-been-shat-on-from-a-great-height ]Shes newly single, athletic/slender and great personality/likeable[/url]

When your ready to get to know people next. Let me know and I'll put you in touch with her... some irony between her situation and yours however fate sometimes works in wierd ways.

😉

Molgrips, im in manchester.

Hora, lol, thanks but no thanks as that just looks messy!

Post my original thread. Shes moved on alot, independent and a real strength.

We all agreed that if it was us in this situation we'd be in tears and have some really dark days. I'm going to get her into biking.

well, I suppose im not completely averse to meeting knew people in similar situations to discuss tactics!

Knew people!!!!!!

NEW

Honestly

Emailed you through your blog 😉

Hora. Why on earth are you trying to set your dumped friend up with a man who has commitment issues?

I want her to get out there and enjoy herself. Potentially misguided yes but good to meet new people, compare with what she had and what the potential is like.

i.e. go out there and let her hair down for once.

because he is hora and he always thinks things through. She was recently dumped he wants to leave the country , doesn nto want to be tied down and do a high risk sport what could possibly go wrong?
PS my mail in profile 😉

Oddjob, look at your keyboard. Notice just how close K is to the N! total unintentional spelling mistake that I rarely make!

Needless to say, this was not an easy decision to make and I have thought long and hard about its implications but, as selfish as it actually sounds, I feel I need to end this chapter of my life and begin a new one on my own with my own ambitions and this unfortunately means I cannot continue in the pretense of a happy relationship.

Dude, if you need to do it then you need to do it. It is horrible, but sometimes these things need to be done. Well done for actually finishing the relationship rather than let it stagnate over a longer period of time - it's not an easy thing to do.

Why on earth are you trying to set your dumped friend up with a man who has commitment issues?

yeah, why? lol

PS my mail in profile

I am thinking like a male here but she really does need to get out there, meet people and see where and if there is synergy and with who.

After all, you can't pick yourself up and run straight into rebound can you?

After all, you can't pick yourself up and run straight into rebound can you?

indeed, there has to be a person to bounce off in the first place.

maybe not quite yet but thanks for the contact!

highclimber - Member
Oddjob, look at your keyboard. Notice just how close K is to the N! total unintentional spelling mistake that I rarely make!

Anyway it seems to me that you were unhappy and separately wanted to do your climbing thing - not that the two were related (i.e. that you'd need to be single/with a climber/someone else to do so).

Best of luck, breaking up is never easy...

Nonsense! It would have been JNEW, BNEW, MNEW or HNEW first!

ok, you win, im a retard for using a homophone thanks for kicking me while i'm down! 😛

Hora - if really "[i]she could walk into a bar tonight and have a choice if she wanted [/i]"... then pics to my inbox 😉

Well maybe not any man. She'd get laid though 100%.

mark just e-mail her details to everyone on this thread who asked it is what any friend would do in this situation.
She will thank you at the wedding for this

If our culture allowed I would offer the baton of haremship to her however I think I would wake up one morning missing my tackle if I put that proposition to mrshora 😯

Well maybe not any man. She'd get laid though 100%.

Tch.. men... 🙄

Whereas the other way round if we walked into the bar we'd be guaranteed to receive a slap, bottled and told to **** off.

not sure I like the fact that this thread has turned into a lonely hearts column! :p

Ach your right. Back to the norm:

MTFU OP you wet minge. Wee in her shoes then own her CD collection with Bombers.

will a set of Recons do? I could pour dot 5 in her Laboutins?

Just had a text from her asking why I have deleted certain pictures of us (I haven't BTW, she can't bloody find them)!

when is it a good time to think about a facebook clear out because we all know that facebook is just an extension to our real feeling innit!! 😯

Danger, Will Robinson. There speaks a woman who doesn't really believe she's been dumped.

Well maybe not any man. She'd get laid though 100%.

Pictures!

There speaks a woman who doesn't really believe she's been dumped.

yeah I know that. she thinks I don't know what I want as she is almost certainly in denial. I don't want to push the point that I have made my mind up, made it weeks ago.

Send her a link to this thread and she'll realise how it's actually a lucky escape for her.

What a bloody good idea Carry....

....sent!

not really!