[Closed] Salmon must know some fish jokes?

that's so bad it gave me a migraine- or was it just a bad haddock ?

I was in a health food shop when a shelf full of omega 3 tablets collapsed onto my head.

Fortunately, I only sustained super-fish-oil injuries. (Left me with a bit of a haddock too...)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fi[Stop that...! Mods]

I went to a seafood disco at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

If you don't like fish puns, you ain't got no sole.

2 fish in a tank. Neither of them could drive it.

Hear about the French bloke who murdered his cheating wife's fishmonger lover?

The police are saying it was a crime of poisson.

Two birds sitting on a perch. One says, "Can you smell fish?"

Not doing the full joke but the punch line is...

[i]"Haul me up quick!"
"Have you caught one?"
"No, there's a train coming!"[/i]

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fishmonger? 'Hello ladies'

[i]"Ma mayt caught a whale in the cut..."
"Yam jowkin, a proper un lyke ?"
"R, couple o' spowkes missin but it wor bad lyke" [/i]

All cod awful so far.

I'll let someone else tell the one about the fight in the fish and chip shop.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A Mexican Tetra.

A fish swims into a wall and exclaims 'Dam!'

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel.

There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." (@TimVine)

A Sole and a Whale passed in the ocean. "Ah Whale" said the Sole. The Whale was too polite to reply

I'm on a sea food diet... whenever I see food, I eat it

I sea I'm in the right plaice for bad puns today.

I used to go out with a fishmonger's daughter. It was a love/hake relationship.

Sorry i cant quite hear you, i am hard of herring.

Is there some porpoise behind the OP's request, or is it just for the halibut?

My pet fish was in a band. He played the sea bass.

He wasn't very good though.

His guitar was out of tuna

What did the mathematician say when he fell ill after eating contaminated fish?

I've been Poissoned!

Whats the difference between a tuna and a piano..?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna....

Sorry. I won't carp on any longer.

Pete goes to the pub one day and bumps into his old school friend John.

Pete: “Hey, not seen you for three years, what have you been doing?“
John: “Actually, I’ve been doing a degree in Logic-Progression”
Pete: “I’ve never heard of that, what’s that all about then?”
John: “Well, I’ll try to give you an example… have you got goldfish?”
Pete: “Yes, I have.”
John: “Well, if you’ve got goldfish, I bet it’s not in a little plastic tank - you would have a pond in the garden.”
Pete: “Yeah, that‘s right.”
John: “ So, if you’ve got a pond in the garden, you probably have a decent house.”
Pete: “Yeah, I suppose I have.”
John: “ So, if you have a decent house, with a pond in the garden, you probably have a nice girlfriend.”
Pete: “Yeah, I do.”
John: “ So, if you have a nice girlfriend, you’re probably getting a good sex-life.”
Pete: “Yeah, I am - that Logic-Progression is amazing, I see what you mean now.”

So, the next day, Pete goes the pub and sees another of their old school friends Rob.

Pete: “You’ll never guess who I saw yesterday - it was John.”
Rob: “Not seen him for three years, what’s he you been doing?“
Pete: “He’s been doing a degree in Logic-Progression”
Rob: “What’s that all about then?”
Pete: “Well, I’ll try to give you an example… have you got goldfish?”
Rob: “No, I‘ve never had a goldfish”
Pete: “Then you’re a w**k*r.”

I bet some of you are feeling quite gill-ty for telling such awful jokes. Quite frankly I'm afinded

Whats the fastest fish in the river? Motor Pike.

Slowest?

Slobster

What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift?
A plastic sturgeon

What do pervy fish read?
Prawno mags

Why are goldfish orange? Because all the water makes them rusty.

Noah started building several arks for various parts of the animal kingdom. One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a kipper?

One's orange and oily and one's a fish.