MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
I wil kick off:
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.""Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Two elephants fall off a cliff- BOOM, BOOM!
I'll get my coat....
Two nuns are driving through a forest late at night. When all of a sudden a vampire lands on their bonnet.
One of the nuns yells at the other "Quick Sister, show him you're cross!"
So the other nuns winds down the window and yells "F*** off!!!".
where does santa sleep?
- rudolph the bed nosed reindeer
I was pulled over by the police the other day for having a pile of snow on the roof of my car.
It's fine, i got away with it- i told him it was a flat pack igloo from Ikea!
A penguin is taking a road trip when his car breaks down. He pushes his car to a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him give him a few minutes to find the problem.
The penguin goes over to a supermarket, buys an ice cream. He then waddles back over to the mechanic.
Glancing up from for the car, the mechanic says 'Looks like you've blown a seal.'
The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, 'No, it's just ice cream.'
I've just been up in the loft to get the Christmas decorations down and found a present that I'd bought for the children last year - damn, I'm sure they would have loved that puppy
I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.
The cruel bugger didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.
Tommy Sheridan's worried about the reception he'll get in jail, so he's put a request in to be held in solidarity confinement 😀
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
Did you hear about the Irish jelly fish?
It set.
Kid making a Christmas wish.... 'And Santa can you please send some clothes for those poor children on daddy's computer'....
Two parrots sat on a perch. First parrot says "Can you smell fish?"
1. Two snowmen in a garden. One looks at the other and says "Can you smell carrots?".
2. What's grey and can't swim? A filing cabinet.
Pony goes into a bar and orders a pint. Barman says "You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you". Pony says:
"I'm sorry, I'm a little horse"...
When I first met her, there was this instant spark between us...
And as I held her in my arms, and got my hand into her blouse, I thought...
"wow, these Tazer guns are great!"
I got knocked off my bike last night, cut up by a big truck with flashing yellow lights and "salt spreading" plastered all over it.
"Bastard" I muttered to myself through gritted teeth.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A midget in my town had his wallet stolen by a pickpocket.
Unbelievable. How could anyone stoop so low?
Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones.
Which is funny, because people in Abu Dhabi do.
Just watching "How Science Changed Our World" on BBC1 right now.
Inspired, I decided to try to recreate the Big Bang at home. But I just didn't have the time or the space.
mY LOCAL FAMILY BUTCHER'S SELLING EIGHT VENISON LEGS FOR £49.99......
Does anyone think that's too dear?
Took a dyslexic bird home last night,
and she ended up cooking my sock.
Wanted, £20,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive.
Denzil > yeah, that's dead dear.
What's purple and lies on the bottom of the ocean?
Moby Plum.
fatblokefromwarwick - Member
> http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/christmas-blues
/p>POSTED 16 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST
Mine is shite but yours is shite AND unpopular!!
I used to have some epileptic shoes.
They don't fit any more now though.
DrP
Two goldfish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says
"Where did learn to drive a tank?"
A man walks into a pub
*clang!*
it was an iron pub
a man walks into a bar
#clang#
it was an iron bar!
I bought a wig made of bum hair the other day.
Damn thing keeps blowing off
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Cougar, isn't it "wanted; dead AND alive"?
Two men got arrested, one for being dressed as a battery, the other for being dressed as a firework.
The police charged one and let the other one off.
Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pajamas?
Your mum.
whats the diffrence between a JCB and a giraffe??
a jcb has hydraulics and a giraffe has high bolloxs.
A gang recently broke into a Viagra warehouse. Police have warned locals to look out for hardened criminals.
maccruiskeen - Member
A man walks into a pub*clang!*
it was an iron pub
POSTED 8 HOURS AGO #
Brainflex - Member
a man walks into a bar#clang#
it was an iron bar!
A man walks into a tavern
@clang@
it was an iron tavern
I took a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes out last week. We had such a good time I phoned her last night to see if she fancied going out again but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Too blokes walk into a pub and get served. While they're waiting for their drinks one notices a strip of green tarmac sat in the corner staring at him.
"WTF are you looking at?" he demands.
"Oh Christ, don't start on him" his mates pleads, "He's a cyclepath."
I went into a butchers the other day and bet the owner that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
"I can't take that bet" he said, "The steaks are too high."
What's the difference between oral and anal?
One can make your whole day, the other can make your whole week.
Two elephants fall off a cliff- BOOM, BOOM!
One elephant was carrying a drum kit - ba-dum tish
yup, that's my coat
I saw an AA man sitting in his truck with his head in his hands and crying.
I think he was heading for a breakdown.
I've got an Irish mate who doesn't have much luck with the ladies, so he got an inflatable one. I asked him how he was getting on with her and he said "it was all right, but I gave a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window"
(boom, tish, coat)
An iron pub? Rofl
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your scottish garden?
You root it ooot!
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?
.... Dr Dre
😳
possibly may get me modded, but one of my favorites.
(my other favorites DEFINTALY would get me modded
As a seasonal gesture the Tampax factory are currently
replacing all the string on their tampons with tinsel...
.
.
.
.
.
......but only for the Christmas [i]period[/i].
.
.
.
Don't worry, I'm not here all week....
....I've got to drive down to Sussex after Boxing Day 😉
What's grey and comes in pints? .... an elephant
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?..... swim
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?....wipe it off and apologise.
Knock-knock
who's there?
Pile up
pile up who
Immature no?
The demand was for shite jokes after all - something more erudite/geeky...
There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can't
Very good
You know we were so poor I had to wear my sister's hand me downs.
It was hard, but I dragged myself up and out of there.
how do you know if you've passed an elephant?
the toilet won't flush properly
I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."
What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder?
These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought these?
There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who can count binary and those who can'tVery good
It gets better (depending on POV)...
There 10 kinds of people in the world - those who can count ternary, those who can't and those who mistake it for binary
hilarious stuff 🙂
The world`s untidiest man has sadly just died. His body is now lying in a state.
Ronnie B
Aren't there 10 types of people in the world - those who understand quaternary, those who don't, those who mistake it for binary and those who find this sort of thing amusing?
Merry christmas everyone. Sorry it's early, I suffer from premature congratulations.
I got very upset in the petrol station earlier. I don't know why, I just started filling up.
my favourite crap joke is too long to bother typing (or you reading!) but it ends with 'Fish Chimps and Mushy Bees'.
[url= http://www.jokefile.co.uk/numerical_order/1186.html ]Here it is.[/url]
I was riding my bike across the playing fields of the local Islamic school yesterday when someone shot at me with a starting pistol.
The police think the incident may be race related.
Everybody knows that crocodiles can swim better than humans.
What's not so well known is that an adult crocodile can run pretty fast on dry land too.
So if you're ever up against a crocodile in a triathlon, you'd better be good on a bike.
Aren't there 10 types of people in the world - those who understand quaternary, those who don't, those who mistake it for binary and those who find this sort of thing amusing?
Nope, there are 2 kinds of people in the world; those who think there are 2 kinds of people in the world and those who don't 😆
found mr whippy on the floor of his ice cream van earlyer, he was covered in flakes and henreds and thousends.
we soon realised he had topped himself.
I think I've solved the Joanna Yeates murder enquiry:
Who could sneak into your house without causing a disturbance?
Silently abduct you and knock you unconscious without leaving a mark?
And has a penchant for pizza?
I'll bet it's those ****ing Ninja Turtles!
.
.
Too soon?
Quite possibly kt1973.
Went to the doctor and told him I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.
"Well," he said, "it's not unusual".
My mate drowned in a bowl of museli the other day- he was pulled in by a strong currant....
My racing snail wasn't winning anymore so I decided to take his shell off, reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work. If anything it made him more sluggish.
A group of chess players were sat talking after a tournament at the Ritz. Each enjoyed giving details of their best game of the tournament. Suddenly the manager came over and ordered them out of the hotel. One asked him why and his reply was
"[b]I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting In An Open Foyer[/b]"
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They kept putting the willies up each other.
Priest checks into a hotel and asks reception "I hope porn channel is disabled".
Reception guy replies "nah just normal you sicko"
My new years resolution for 2010 was to stop sniffing glue....So far, I've stuck to it.....I'll try again in 2011.
I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien having a ****. I said, "What the hell are you doing?" He said, "I cum in peas".
I went to a fishmongers and asked for a large haddock.
"Ok" he said, "wont be long"
"Better be bl**dy wide then!" I said
Denzildoorknob - Member
mY LOCAL FAMILY BUTCHER'S SELLING EIGHT VENISON LEGS FOR £49.99......
Does anyone think that's too dear?
-
wow, bet they're quick! Don't know why people want to mess around with genetics, - sick.
Doe.....