Trail side cable laying etiquette?
Perhaps its the fresh air that does it, or the rhythmic massaging of the intestines as my legs go round, but once again today I was caught up in the eternal minefield that is the art of impromptu trail side defecation.
we all know the familiar abdominal pangs, flowing across us in cold waves as our stomach turns somersaults and the turtle starts making his way towards the escape chute – and you know that much as you’d like to hold it in, you’re going to have to find somewhere discreet and undisturbed to present your own offering to the gods of organic fertiliser – however there are numerous practicalities to consider and I need advice on whether I’m committing any social faux pas in my emergency egg laying procedure.
i) location – how far is far enough off the trail to not be seen, but at the same time not so far that you have to shred your legs in brambles or leave the bike out of sight, because obviously in the middle of nowhere you’re still paranoid that someone will nick it while you’re unable to chase after them cos your shorts are round your ankles (see point ii), oh, and one hint – keep an eye out for nettles! (I don’t want to think about the risk of snakes bite…)
ii) bib tights – now, I normally wear bibs, and I usually wear a top loose over those bibs – however that means that when charlie has to do his chocolate factory work, the top needs to come off as well, not a good thing to be stripped to the waist squatting for England as we know that it will probably end up with a bunch of nuns walking round the corner and finding you in flagrante – I normally try and slip my arms out under my shirt in a “girl changing her swimsuit” fashion, but with long sleeve tops this ‘aint gonna work! Any solutions there, or do you guys wear your bibs over a base layer?
iii) Squat or Lean – Now, I normally squat down for a stealth dump , however there’s a problem here – the importance of remembering to hold all the loose bits of clothing forward and high so you don’t cover them with streaks, at the same time you need to point percy in the right direction so that the inevitable no1 that arrives with the no2 doesn’t seep through the mesh of your cycling shoes – the alternative of course being to lean back whilst using a branch to support you – but in the event that branch gives way then you’re gonna be covered, and you still need to keep percy targeted in a safe area!
iv) The wipe – Now, the boy scouts taught me to be prepared, so there’s now normally something for this purpose in the base of my bag, and no-one wants to resort to doc leaves which inevitably result in being caught brown handed, so allow me here to impart some wisdom – normal loo paper disintegrates too easily in the bag, Izal is tough and practical but reminds me too much of being in school in the early eighties, however a solution is at hand, heres a great big thank you to KFC for the magical Lemon scented wipes that leave my ring with a zesty fresh tingle for the rest of the day 🙂
however, beyond the correct tissue, what exactly is polite procedure for the disposal of the documentary evidence? Is it OK to roll it up and bury it or should one have a zip lock bag to cart the used paper/wipes out in – and the same goes for ones “little monument” should you leave it in situ like a proud statement of your presence there, or hide it with some kicked up leaves/soil?
So, does anyone have any advice on the best way to avoid embarrassment in polite company through the mistaken failure to follow correct procedure whilst composing ones thoughts?Posted 10 years ago
Forget wipes/tissues if you can, use something natural, a rock(not flint or granite) moss, etc…..
As for a choice location, i guess i’m lucky as where i ride there’s lots of hidden places to turn one out, however this time of year offers an evil terror you’d not want infesting your under regions, TICKS!! so careful squatting procedures need to be followed…ideally climb a tree away from the tick zone which is up to a metre off the ground, if your clever you can find a moss covered tree which not only provides you which wiping material, it also makes a comfy seat…Now look for a forked limb to squat on, this will aid as a cheek spreader so will help in avoiding smears during passing of the chocolate log.
The stick and flick method should be used for disposal, or a clever trick is too crap in a piece of bark, then you can collect and transfer it too a place of your choice….if the stool is a bit loose then a compressed gas inflater can be used to freeze the turd to help in flicking effectively.Posted 10 years agoDracSubscriber
have the feeling that riding suppresses the action of the digestive tract as the blood flows to the muscles
Right and wrong, if your body decides it needs more blood it will get rid of anything that uses up resources ‘fight or flight’ only had to go whilst riding myself when induced by food or drink the night before.Posted 10 years ago
Oh and if you are a bovey tracey old railway line and need a preride dump.
Leave it until you’ve put your bibtights on.
In fact all your winter kit on.
Do NOT seek a dumping ground away from passers by in the direction to the left of the railway entrance…..
DO NOT get desperate and squat at a last resort ‘oh crap it’s tooo late’ next tree you find…in my case a freaking HOLLY tree
Thus resulting in the wiping material not being of good choice..Posted 10 years ago
Leading too a waddle around the clearing trying to find a smooth something to wipe the now burning ring of fire.bedmakerSubscriber
LOL at sharki!
I hope I have a camera for Youve been framed the day I perchance upon a semi naked bib short wearer balancing his fully spread crack on a mossy branch, trying to dump onto the strategically placed bit of bark on the ground.
“What’s the rock for?”
“Wiping my bum.”
“Oh, I see. Hope it’s not too sharp.”
“It’s a nice round cobble, should be fine.”
“Won’t that smear a bit?”
“Hmm, good point. Pass up that bit of sandstone behind you like a good chap.”
“Don’t forget to freeze it when you’re done.”Posted 10 years ago
“I’ve got plenty CO2 right here.” taps camelbakdevsMember
If doing it on a slope consider the way that Mr Log and No1 are going to roll or run. Dashboard cleaning wipes are the biz. Ferns can supposedly be carcinogenic but I can’t see myself using them often enough for that to be a problem. You should go on hard routine and take it out in a bag. The advantage of this is that you can cut the corner off later on and use it as a piping bag to write your name on the nearest BMW or Audi.Posted 10 years agoSandwichSubscriber
Pack out the paper. Baby wet wipes are great for this. Burying other evidence shouldn’t be necessary as the local bugs like to feast. Make sure you’re not close to running water recommendation is 200m from any but this may not be uppermost in the thought process with one in the chamber.Posted 10 years ago
Alcohol gel for hand cleaner can be used to prevent the trots.EwanMember
I find if you brace yourself against a tree (imagine making a sitting position but with your back against a tree) you can get a good strain on, with out the poo/lycra roulette that squatting results in. Something must be wrong with my a4se as I’m always having to go outside – not tried the CO2 trick tho…
Bedmaker – You made me cry with laughing.Posted 10 years agogiant_scumMember
Have had the very same quandry at work! Remote radio tower in Dumfries and Galloway, thought I would manage to nip it until I got back home. The previous nights Rogan Josh had other ideas though. Tried a couple of number ones to ease the pressure but to no avail. Had one attempt propped/squatting agaist the least windy side of the radio building(don’t know if it was the shock of the cold) but no action. Back to work, 30 secs later back outside trousers down and letting all the badness out. Only thing for wiping duties were hand wipes and christ did they sting!Posted 10 years agoprojectMember
Always carry a supermarket bag folded small and put a good supply of toilet roll in it, if the need arises for emergency evacuation,remove the toilet roll,lower shorts, and preferably lean backwards against a solid non moveing object, when youvre comfortable, get plastic shopping bag, and with a handleof the bag each side of the buttock, position over enmergency evacuation nozzle, evacuate, then realease bag,then wipe bum, drop in bag soiled toilet roll, lift up by handles and tie in a knot, then throw in to ajacent tree, preferably after re fitting shorts.
Pictures to follow.
How dogs manage to shit in a bag, tie it in a knot, and throw it into the nearest tree without arms or hands is quite clever, never actually caught one yet doing it.Posted 10 years ago
Well! i for one do all day rides, so that’s 9 till 9 in the summer, somewhere during that my body does it’s thing and requests a relief, i’ll not let bodily functions ruin a ride..same as if i get the horn…use moss instead of a sock…..it’s all very normal….
Isn’t it? 😕Posted 10 years agoxc-steveMember
yeah Tits or GTFO!
Never thought of the KFC wipes genius! Have never been caught short for number 2, but have quite often got slightly too close to civilisation for a number 1 and have had to turn around as the ride from end of woods to home is another 20min not good!Posted 10 years agorichcMember
you get get poo bags, for human shit as its pretty toxic and doesn’t degrade very quickly. loads of them for sale in Canada as its a walk it in, walk it out philosophy and flipping over a rock to find some human shit isn’t very nice, I’ve seen them over here for sale as well.
but I have to say in 30 years of walking/running/riding I’ve never been unable to hold one in (been close when out running mind you), so anyone who has to go every ride really should go and see him/her doctor as being unable to hang on for any length of time isn’t good.
On a similar note, my girlfriends friends boyfriend, who is in the forces has trained himself to only go for a no 1 or no 2, once every 3 days, as when he is on operations he doesn’t want to leave anything to be tracked by. Now that isn’t right.Posted 10 years ago
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